Yosuke Hanamura | 花村 陽介 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dj_jiraiya) wrote2019-06-18 06:17 pm
dj_jiraiya) wrote2019-06-18 06:17 pmInbox
"Please leave a message, thank you!" |
video📹 audio🎤 text📱 |
dj_jiraiya) wrote2019-06-18 06:17 pm
"Please leave a message, thank you!" |
video📹 audio🎤 text📱 |
2/2
I am going to do my best to explain in little sentences with the right punctuation and stuff so this is clearer. Please don't reply until I say I'm done?
[The rest of it comes slowly with a lot of '...' between messages. Usually she types the way she thinks, but this is important and she probably owes it to Yosuke to make it easier for him to read.]
So first of all, there is a reason I have said a couple times that my brain is broken and that's because it is. And that does explain part of why I do and say awful things like that. Not all of it but part of it.
A lot of the time my bad feelings are very overwhelming and I feel either lost or trapped by them. Sometimes when I feel hurt the only thing I can think of to do is make other people hurt too. And I know that's not what good people do, but I still do it.
I think that's probably why I would find bullies and pick fights with them back home. I think the idea was that it wasn't as bad if I only did it to bad people. That's probably also why I kicked you some of the time. You weren't really a bad person but you were kind of pervy and I guess I thought that made it okay. But it really didn't and I know that now.
Some of what I said on the beach was because I felt trapped in the pit of bad feelings and was flailing around and trying to hurt you. Part of it is related to things I actually feel. And maybe not everything I feel is really how things are but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.
I have a hard time trusting my friends. I keep thinking you're all going to go away and leave me alone again. Part of me is very sure that the only thing that is keeping us together is the mystery and Souji and we solved the mystery. I know it doesn't make sense, but I keep feeling like that.
Kanji says we did drift apart in the future so maybe it does make sense, but he also thinks we can change that. So maybe it doesn't. I talked to him after the beach.
I guess I have the hardest time trusting you. Out of everyone you're the one I am most sure is only friends with me because of the mystery and Souji. People have pointed out that it doesn't make sense because we were friends before Souji happened and I guess we were, but it didn't feel like we were sometimes. It felt like you were shutting me out with everyone else in town and deliberately ignoring me.
I think maybe the kicking was also about that. Sometimes it was about what I said before, but sometimes it was because it felt like it was the only way to get you to listen. I know the first time I kicked you WAS because you were ignoring me on purpose.
I was mad a lot back then because I knew I was messed up about Yukiko but not how to stop being that way. I think I hoped having another friend would fix me. I think I also maybe got mad that you being around didn't fix anything with me. And after a while it felt like the only thing you cared about was Saki-sempai and that being friends with me and Yukiko was an afterthought.
But also maybe I'm just not very good at having friends. Maybe you have to like yourself before you can like other people. I still don't like myself much. I found something good about me, but I also found things about me that were even worse than I knew.
I don't know if this makes sense to you. It makes sense to me, but I'm the one with the broken brain. I think yours is mostly normal. But this is the only way I know how to explain it right now.
[There's some more '...' for a little while longer, then they disappear.]
I guess I'm done for now.
no subject
I guess it’s good you realized you weren’t fair to me sometimes, but it sounds like you still don’t trust me. I don’t know how to answer this.
This doesn’t sound like you’re sorry for what you’ve said and did. It’s good to know why, but it means nothing if you’re not actually sorry for it. Just sounds a lot like what you’ve been saying during your walls of text, that it’s all how your brain is broken or whatever. You’re placing the blame on your issues, on other things. I mean, you’ve just been getting defensive instead of just... doing what you say you’re gonna do.
Are you actually sorry for what you said to me on the beach? For making me question our friendship that I thought was strong this whole time? For.
For anything?
[ a sigh and then: ]
For the record, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never deliberately ignored you and I didn’t choose Saki over you. I just connected with her a bit better, we were dealing with the same stuff. If I made it seem that way I’m sorry, I never intended to.
no subject
There's probably at least an hour before he does get a reply
during which she certainly does not flail at Hifumi oh wait yes she does please thank Hifumi for whatever coherency this will have.When he does get a reply it's three messages right on top of each other.]
Of course I'm sorry about what I said on the beach!!! I said the worst thing I could to you of course I'm sorry!!! And before that I hurt you to make myself feel less terrible when you didn't deserve it!!!
But you said you didn't want me to apologize unless I explained and then when I explained you said I wasn't apologizing so I'm not sure what you want from me???
I told you the stuff about the doctor and my brain and bad patterns because I don't want to do that stuff again and knowing what I'm doing is the first step to learning how not to do it???
[And that's it.]
no subject
because you said i had to let you explain first but then you started stalling, it's in your first text chie. because that isn't the apology or the explanation i was looking for. i wanted to know why you thought i wasn't your friend, or that i only acted friendly when i was bored and not with saki. why you even felt the need to bring saki into this when she's been dead for over a year and what she even has to do with this. you didn't even tell me how i had been ignoring you because i haven't. apparently i ignored you deliberately the "first time" you kicked me? what, you get to decide what i was doing? i have no idea what you're talking about and how any of that makes me believe you're at all sorry for what you did and said to me.
[ she did say she was sorry now for what she said on the beach, he can acknowledge that. but it felt so hollow now with all that stuff she said before. ]
i don't want to hear how sorry you are for having mental issues. that's all you've been doing. you're telling me you're sorry for being an angry and spiteful person, because you have these... these issues or whatever? because you wanted to feel less terrible so you took it out on me?
that you placed this expectation on me and i disappointed you? well whoop-de-friggin-do Chie, i'm always a disappointment. thank you for reminding me.
yeah, sure, you say you're sorry for hurting me physically and for what you said, but you have been telling me since the very beginning of the this text chain that it's all because of your issues and what some doctor is telling you?
like
[ the audio comes on, because he needs her to understand how serious he's being, text just doesn't convey that and he feels like they're just going in circles. his voice is quiet and shaking as he takes a careful breath. ]
...look.
Chie I don't care about what your doctor is telling you or what your bad patterns are or whatever.
All I care about is that you actually believe I'm your friend, that you don't believe I'm only friendly to you when I want something out of it. Nowhere in your gigantic novel of texts did you say "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and making you feel like we aren't friends."
[ his voice breaks a little here and there's a slight sniffle and the sound of cloth swiping over his face. ]
You haven't even reassured me that we're still friends.
[ he takes a deep breath, cursing slightly because dammit, he was trying to not get so emotional but whoops, that failed. he cuts the audio. ]